Not Being Able to Say No

Has something you said “yes” to during the day ever ached inside you at night in bed? It slipped out of your mouth in two seconds on the phone; now you lie staring at the ceiling, angry at yourself. That “yes” did not come from kindness, in truth. A person flees less from hurting the other than from the guilt that would rise up within themselves, and by saying “yes” they imagine they are buying peace. But the installments on that peace are paid at night.

But every yes is a no to something else. When you say yes to someone else's plan, you may be saying no to your own time. When you say yes to someone else's expectation, you may be saying no to your own boundary. If a person realizes this too late, they become exhausted while trying to be good. And an exhausted person does nobody any good — least of all themselves.

Now you'll say: “Is it easy? People get hurt.” True, they do. But let me ask: the people you keep saying yes to — when did they last give up a plan of their own for your sake? The person who cannot say no becomes, after a while, indispensable to everyone and invisible to themselves. And here is the strange part: people first grow angry at the one who sets a boundary, then come to respect them. To the one with no boundary they first show affection, then pile the weight on.

Setting a boundary isn't selfishness; it is the spine of character. Clear people don't have to be rude. It is possible to say no kindly. In fact, the healthiest relationships aren't those in which people endlessly accommodate one another, but those in which people know one another's limits.

In practice, learning three sentences can change a life. “I can't do this right now.” “I need to think about this.” “This doesn't fit my priorities.” These sentences look small, but they protect a person's loyalty to themselves. It isn't possible to live without ever hurting anyone; but living while breaking yourself piece by piece isn't a life either. In short: saying no isn't closing a door; it is standing before the right one. Stay well.